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Managing Your Perfectionism
What Is Perfectionism? This is the first of two newsletters that address perfectionism. In this issue, we will explore what perfectionism is and why it is destructive. In the next one, we will take a look at some strategies for both controlling the need to be perfect and living a more relaxed, satisfying life. Perfectionists aspire to be top achievers and do not allow themselves to make even a single mistake. They are always on the alert for imperfections and weaknesses in themselves and others. They tend to be rigid thinkers who are on the lookout for deviations from the rules or the norm. Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. People who pursue excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in working to meet high standards. Perfectionists are motivated by self-doubt and fears of disapproval, ridicule, and rejection. The high producer has drive, while the perfectionist is driven. Causes and Characteristics Fear of failure and rejection. The perfectionist believes that she will be rejected or fail if she is not always perfect, so she becomes paralyzed and unable to produce or perform at all. Fear of success. The perfectionist believes that if he is successful in what he undertakes, he will have to keep it up. This becomes a heavy burden-who wants to operate at such a high level all of the time? Low self-esteem. A perfectionist's needs for love and approval tend to blind her to the needs and wishes of others. This makes it difficult or impossible to have healthy relationships with others. Black-and-white thinking. Perfectionists see most experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect. There is nothing in between. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists believe if it can't be done perfectly, it's not worth doing. Extreme determination. Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to achieving success. This is also true of high achievers, but the perfectionist focuses only on the result of his efforts. He is unable to enjoy the process of producing the achievement. His relentless pursuit of the goal becomes his downfall because it often results in overwhelming anxiety, sabotaging his heroic efforts. The Costs of Being a Perfectionist Perfectionism always costs more than the benefits it might provide. It can result in being paralyzed with fear and becoming so rigid that a person is difficult to relate to. It can produce contradictory styles, from being highly productive to being completely nonproductive. Some examples of these costs include the following: Low self-esteem. Just as low self-esteem is a cause of perfectionist behavior, it is also a result. Because a perfectionist never feels good enough about himself or his personal performance, he usually feels like a loser or a failure. Gloominess. Since a perfectionist is convinced that it will be next to impossible to achieve most goals, she can easily develop a negative attitude. Depression. Perfectionists often feel discouraged and depressed because they are driven to be perfect but know that it is impossible to reach the ideal. Guilt. Perfectionists never think they handle things well. They often feel a sense of shame and guilt as a result. Rigidity. Since perfectionists need to have everything meet an ideal, they tend to become inflexible and lack spontaneity. Lack of motivation. A person who expects perfection may never try new behaviors or learn new skills because she thinks that she will never be able to do it well enough. At other times, she may begin the new behavior but give up early because she fears that she will never reach her goal. Paralysis. Since most perfectionists have an intense fear of failure, they sometimes become immobilized and stagnant. Writers who suffer from writer's block are examples of the perfectionist's paralysis. Obsessive behavior. When a person needs a certain order or structure in his life, he may become overly focused on details and rules. Compulsive behavior. A perfectionist who feels like a failure or loser may medicate him- or herself with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex, gambling, or other high-risk behaviors. Eating disorders. Many studies have determined that perfectionism is a central issue for people who develop eating disorders. The Perfectionist versus The High Achiever People produce many of their best achievements when they are striving to do their best. High achievers, like perfectionists, want to be better people and achieve great things. Unlike perfectionists, high achievers accept that making mistakes and risking failure are part of the achievement process-and part of being human. Emotionally Healthy High Producers You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. People who accomplish plenty and stay emotionally healthy tend to exhibit the following behaviors: ? Set standards that are high but achievable. ? Enjoy the process, not just the outcome. ? Recover from disappointment quickly. ? Are not disabled by anxiety and fear of failure. ? View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning. ? React positively to constructive feedback. Once you are aware of the ways by which you expect yourself to be perfect, you can start to change your behavior. In my next newsletter, I'll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these perfectionist behaviors as you observe them. Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.
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Business Management The Story ?From the Chicken Coop? Many years ago my grandfather, had a small farm and chickens. One morning he sent me out to the chicken coop to collect fresh eggs. He became concerned when I did not return after a shot interval. When he came looking for me I jumped with joy, but he saw tears in my eyes and noticed that I was in an adjacent empty chicken coop, which could be entered only through the same door as the occupied coop. A Coaching Secret I've told people for a long time that one of the "secrets" of coaching is forgiveness. Forgiveness takes your finger out of the dyke of the past so you can let the future flow. Buddha said, "forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past." It is an act of total volition, requiring only a softening of the heart. But how do you forgive the unforgivable? Some Business Coaches are in Error Many business coaches deny the power of suggestion while using it. For instance a corporate inner circle will be told that they have inner conflicts with ethical practice due to the stockholders coming first, the customers coming second and employees coming third. They will tell the corporate management team that often what must be done short term to appease shareholders may not be good long term for employee units or quality of products to the end user. Yet this is linear thinking for some one who plays at a higher level in western culture and corporate America. Our goals is win/win/win. And if you will read Jim Collins book "Built to Last" you will see my point here. Profitable Idea Generation in 4 Steps Using Improv A large percentage of business are stuck, tied to narrow ways of thinking about themselves and their products. In the business environment you can't be stuck and survive. Expectations Can Get In Our Way There are times when we truly look forward to something just as there are times when we totally dread something. What is the difference between anticipation with joy and anticipation with anxiety? Where and how does that expectation actually take place? If we think about it, the expectations take place in our minds. And, what that really means is that we totally make it up. We tend to create ideas and stories about how wonderful or awful something might be. Your Personal Treasure Chest Sometimes it is helpful to review several of the basic components of THE ENCHANTED SELF. That's what I've decided to do this time. Its Story Time! - Find the Power Within, or The Truth About Dogs I heard a story recently, and wanted to share it with you. It goes something like this: Media Underload! The Stress Reducing Psych-Diet The war, taxes, the economy, increased health problems, crime on the rise, overwhelming divorce rate, corruption in corporate America, and, oh yes, Janet at the Super Bowl! Where does it end? With so much going wrong, whats going right in the world? Training is Not the Same Thing as Exercising What it takes to GROW! How to Solve Disputes with the Helicopter Talk Technique Do you ever find that when a friend asks for your opinion on a problem it is a lot easier for you to see a solution than it is for your friend? Business Career, Executive Coaching Article - Leadership: Understanding the Human Condition "Nothing is more practical than for people to deepen themselves. The more you understand the human condition the more effective you are as a businessperson. Human depth makes business sense." Difficult Challenges? -- What If? Sometimes life can seem like one long series of unsolvable problems. I know there have been times when I would much rather find something else to do and quit whatever I was doing simply because it was too much trouble to continue. In fact, earlier in my life that is exactly what I did do. (And to tell the truth, I wouldn't change it even if I could!) The Best Things in Life Are Rarely Things Have you ever noticed this to be true? Good Communication is Easy - Isn't It? My name is Steve Brummet and my business is to speak to businesses, teams, schools, churches, non profit organizations and just people about improving their communication skills. Most communication experts agree that good communication starts with understanding. Your Mindset Determines Your Success in Life To keep at the top of your game you have to keep a clear head. You can't afford to fill up on news and negativity. The world's overflowin' with it and the only way to be a winner is to be in control of your thoughts. Mindfulness and Multiple Intelligences: 8 Ways to Pay Attention How are you smart? Feeling Self-Conscious? 6 Tips to Turn it Around Fast! When you feel self-conscious it means you are putting too much attention on your self, too much focus on what you are doing and how you are doing it. And this is a formula for poor performance. What Does It Take To Have It All In Life? Many people have asked me why I wrote my book, 'The Street Kid's Guide to Having it All', and I realized that some people simply do not believe that it is possible to 'have it all'. Well, I am here as an ambassador to dispel that rumor once and for all. Executive Coaching The higher you climb the ladder in this organization, the less chance you have of getting feedback about your performance. The working rule of thumb is "the farther up you go, the stranger things get," especially in the way you are reviewed and rewarded. We seem to have time for everything else, but not time to give our top people the kind of reviews they need to help them develop. -Executive level controller Why We Need Executive Coaching Coaching Employees - The Chronic Excuser Most of us find coaching employees to be an effective, even enjoyable, approach to leadership and management. Coaching provides a way to help team members grow and develop, while achieving business objectives. But occasionally, we encounter a team member who has an excuse for every situation. How can we help team members like this accept responsibility and focus on solutions, rather than dwell on the reasons why things aren't accomplished? How can we ensure that we really gain commitment and consensus on plans, assignments, and projects
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