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Mid Life Crisis, Life Transitions, & Ontological Coaching
Recently I have been watching a TV show called Blowout. It is a reality show about a hair designer, Jonathan Antin who struggles to get his Beverly Hills salon up and running. Not only do the Hollywood stars visit his shop but also many other women come in for makeovers with the hope that they too will look like the rich and famous. In fact, when their makeovers are finished they really do look more glamorous than when they walked in. Actually, the TV is filled with shows like these including the famous Extreme Makeover and Dr. 90214, which depicts Beverly Hill's plastic surgeons reshaping and changing the appearances of women of all ages. In these shows the women, in particular, discuss how they feel stuck in a midlife crisis or are anxious about a life transition. When I am at the fitness center I observe women and men of all ages and sizes feverishly working out. Personally, I think it is tremendous that women are working to create a new persona for themselves. It would be simple to conclude that these women are just focusing on their outward appearances. I do not know if this is the case or not. My hope would be that women are just as concerned with their mental and spiritual health as well as their physical appearance. I believe many are doing just that, but what about those who are not? What about those women who sense a lack of direction or purpose in life, which can be associated with a mid life crisis? What about those women who are dealing with a life transition and are anxious about their abilities to handle it or just feeling overwhelmed by life itself? Often there is a stigma attached to seeing a psychologist, entering into therapy or counseling or seeking guidance from a religious institution. Certainly if one is severely depressed, suffering from addictions or other mental and spiritual disorders then counseling or therapy is indeed appropriate. But what about a healthy person who does just feel stuck, lacking a direction in life, or overwhelmed, is there a place for them to turn? The answer to that may lie in being coached. Ontological Coaching, in particular, is not about transforming one's personality. It begins with the premise that the person is healthy and their self is intact. Ontological Coaching is about opening up new horizons of learning, which in turn expands how you observe future possibilities and opportunities. In essence, this is how you view your very being or soul. How is Ontological Coaching different from other forms of coaching? The answer lies in its expanded view of language. The desire to alter outcomes or improve an individual's performance is a central goal in traditional as well as ontological coaching. The difference is found in the process. In traditional coaching one typically observes an action, the results of that action is assessed, a determination is made as to what is missing, the actions are then modified, the modified actions are taken, and then the cycle is repeated. This approach does tend to improve the effectiveness and efficiency of the known actions. However, the assessment is only concerned with the known actions or possibilities that the client sees as reality. I believe when someone is suffering, perhaps in the throes of a mid life crisis or a life transition it is because their self or the ability of the self to observe future possibilities or opportunities is limited or narrow in scope. In Ontological Coaching a new element is added to the process. This critical piece is the language of the observer. Suffering is a linguistic or social phenomenon as opposed to pain, which is a biological phenomenon. It is well known that our results have a great deal to do with our actions or lack of actions. What is less clear is that our actions themselves have to do with the observer that we are or the way we "see things". We tend to think we observe reality as it is but what we really are observing is reality as we observe it. Each individual has his or her own way of observing and thus each has his or her own interpretation of reality. What this means is if we constrain ourselves to our own observations then we are limiting the sphere of future possibilities to what we deem as reality. We become caught in the drift of life. When we reach intersections, such as a mid life crisis or life transition, we are blocked by our own transparent actions or habits. We then become trapped or stuck in our own interpretations. What we deem capable of producing as future action becomes limited. As you can see there is nothing necessarily psychologically wrong, our self or being is intact, it is just limited by our language, which includes our power of observation and the development of future possibilities through speaking and listening. Why then does this make ontological coaching more effective than traditional coaching, especially in the long run? The answer lies in the ability to expand the coachee's interpretations and therefore their future possibilities and opportunities. Ontologically we claim that the observer or the self of each individual is comprised of three elements, our language, our emotions and moods, and our physical presence (both biological and postural). By working within the sphere of these three elements and, in particular, expanding the domain of our language the ontological coach can shift the observer and the self of his coachee. The result is not just goals that are more effective and efficient, but ones that are expanded to contain new possibilities and opportunities never thought possible by the individual. Robert Wummer of http://IntersectionsCoaching.com is an ontological coach who specializes in life's transitional times and the intersection (or collision) of an individual's personal and professional goals. His work is extremely effective in the development of integral leadership practices.
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Business Management 4 Quick, Easy Ways to Say No to People Who Take You for Granted No matter how wonderful you are sometimes other people will try to take advantage of your good nature. They will push you, get you to do more than your fair share and keep asking you to do even more. How Could Choosing to Not Do It All Enhance Your Impact? How often have you heard yourself say, "I've got so many balls in the air I don't know how I can possibly keep track of them all". Viewpoints - Communication Destruction Or.... Viewpoints! Everyone has them and they are personal. However, when you believe that only your view is correct, you shut out other people and do not listen to the facts they are giving. Guilt By Association & Wealth By It Too! "Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll tell thee what thou art." - Miguel de Cervantes (1547 - 1616) Spanish novelist. The Non-Conscious Mind at Work. Harness it for Your Success Thoughts are real things. As soon as you realize how to control your thoughts you are on your way to making vast changes in your daily success. Coaching - An Adapting Tool For Attaining Fulfillment In The Global Economy At a time when the global economy is bringing innovation, new ideas and new opportunities into the marketplace, outsourcing and the elimination of white-collar jobs has left many of us feeling anxious and insecure about the future. It is increasingly apparent that the American Worker can no longer look to the corporation for a sense of security, place, benefits or loyalty. As reliance on old structures is diminishing, the following ways of looking at work are emerging: 10 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before I Went Into the Real World I must confess, I laughed when I saw that Maria Shriver has come out with a book called, "Ten Things I Wish I Had Known Before Going Into The Real World." The real world? Come on, she grew up a Kennedy and married the biggest action movie star of all time! That aside, it got me to thinking: What are ten things I wish I would have known before going out into the real world? So, here they are... Live With An Attitude Of Gratitude Imagine for a moment one of those nights when you just can't fall asleep and you have to get up early the next morning for a very important meeting of which you are the keynote speaker. Your alarm clock goes off early in the morning waking you from what little sleep you had. You stumble out of bed, have a quick shower, grab a coffee and some toast, and off you go to fight the traffic on the way to work. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly: How Do You Change the World? Recently, I saw an exhibition of paintings by a very talented artist. He clearly has a social conscience and his depictions of the pain and misery of disenfranchised and minority people are so vivid and real you can't help but feel the pain in viewing the paintings. What You See is What You Get H. Jackson Brown Jr. once wrote, Your mind can only hold one thought at a time, make it a positive and constructive one. As simple as these words may seem, they are in fact, very true. You see, if you are looking for a way to feel better at any given moment, all you have to do is change what you are focusing on. Your brain is a very powerful tool that you own and you should use to your advantage. A Quick Checklist for Improving Your Life 1. Learn About You Successful Change Starts With A Shift In Perspective Like so many in corporate America today, Susan needed more balance in her life-but she did not know how to get it. Faced with a 60-hour work week and a lengthy daily commute, Susan was left with little time for outside interests. Her job was literally draining her of energy, and her attitude at work was changing, especially within her business unit. Stay Connected To WHY You Are Doing Things "The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work." Richard Bach You Are Never Trapped! "The meaning of life is that it stops." -Franz Kafka (1883-1924) New Definition of Retirement A new definition of retirement is evolving. It's one that's focused on continual exploration, learning and growth. Where the old retirement promised no pressure and stress but left you with no personal growth, no stimulating interaction and no sense of achievement, the new retirement promises life meaning, personal fulfillment, and realization of long-held dreams and 'fun'. It's a time for discovery not felt since youth. What do you dream about? Is it owning a dream home at the lake? Or maybe starting your own business? How about going back to college or taking tree planting lessons? You might spend time with a loved one, help people who are less fortunate, or travel. Pecked to Death By Ducks Ever been in a situation where it seems like minor criticisms are all you hear? Sure, there are things you could improve, you know that . . . but a constant peck, peck, peck of negative feedback sure doesn't motivate you to change! One of my mentors called this gradual chipping away at one's self esteem, "being pecked to death by ducks." How to deal with it? There are ducks outside my window as I write . . . and I know that one sure way to make them go away, is to stop feeding them. Ducks need to eat a lot, and eat often, to keep going. If they can't get food from you, they'll try someplace else. So . . . how can you make this work for your brand of "ducks"? What about figuring out what there is about you that's FEEDING them? For example, are you reacting to their pecks? (Psychologists tell us that some people use a negative approach to get the attention they crave.) Are you working harder in response to their criticism? (When you do this, you are exhausting yourself and adding chocolate sauce to their dessert! The pecking won't end, I guarantee it.) I believe we feed our ducks when we take words of criticism home and brood. Most of us are programmed to take criticism much more seriously than we do praise, and many of us make almost a career out of taking criticism home to chew over . . . and over . . . and again. When Duck A criticizes me for DOING x, I have a choice. Take it home and make it last . . . or look the criticism in the face. If it's fair and valid, I may decide to stop x-ing (it's my choice). In fact, Duck A may have done me a good turn -- and one way to keep this in mind is to say (over and over if necessary), "It's about what I DO, it's not who I BE." A WORD ABOUT SYSTEMIC DUCK FEEDERS: Some organizations and groups encourage anonymous feedback, in the mistaken belief that this provides a safe environment for honest communication. WRONG! Anonymous feedback promotes dysfunctional systems . . . and dysfunctional systems are essentially "duck food silos." (I put a spin on an old mantra, "If you can't say it to his/her face, don't say it at all." Of course, sometimes we need help -- a mentor, an advocate, a companion, a safe structure. But whatever it takes, in healthy systems, constructive, behavior-focused criticism comes with a name attached, and if at all possible, is given face-to- face.) Finally: HOW NOT TO BE A DUCK: Before YOU criticize, think clearly. Figure out what is really bugging you. And then speak directly to the person with whom you have a problem. Use 'I' statements (a skill unknown to ducks, as far as I know). Rehearse ahead of time to be sure you are focused on behavior (Do-ing), not Be-ing. A good rule is to ask yourself, "How would this sound if she (or he) were talking to ME?" © Maureen Killoran, 2005 The Art of Change We don't change. I imagine such a statement could find a lot of opinionated opposition if it implied a lack of growth, whether that be on a knowledgeable level, a logical or spiritual one, but in this case we refer to ourselves and who we are in relation to who we were when we decided to grace this world with our presence. Essence of Awakeness Be conscious, aware, and alert. Pay attention. Remember when you were in elementary school and the teacher used to say pay attention now, this is important? Well, this is important. Wake up! What does it take to wake up an adult? Many people go through life on automatic, doing life as it comes along. What kind of things occurs that is considered a wake up call? The death of a loved one, a miracle, a near death experience, the birth of a child, a divorce, a marriage, a spiritual experience, a great accomplishment, a serious illness, an award, losing a job, winning the lottery, which of these would wake you up? Using Audio Programs to Increase Your Knowledge and Productivity If you do any significant amount of driving, a simple thing you can do to increase your productivity is to listen to audio programs in your car. If your commute time to work is 45 - 60 minutes each way, you can easily listen to at least 1 book each week. Over the course of a year, that can add up to about 50 books. That is a significant number. Your Mindset Determines Your Success in Life To keep at the top of your game you have to keep a clear head. You can't afford to fill up on news and negativity. The world's overflowin' with it and the only way to be a winner is to be in control of your thoughts.
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