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Sorry Dr Maslow, I Think You Got It Wrong
In the 1950s Abraham Maslow published a book entitled " Motivation and Personality" in which he outlided his now famous Hierarchy of Needs. Over the years since its publication Maslow's work has gained wide acceptance as a tool in understanding human motivation. It has been used in areas as diverse as Consumer Marketing and Christian Evangelism,as well, of course, psychology. Maslow rightly holds a place of high regard in many circles. I do, however, believe Maslow got it wrong....at least in the order in which he places the various needs within his Hierarchy. According to Maslow, the order ran from basic physiological needs (things we need to maintain life) through safety and security needs, relational needs, self esteem needs through to self-actualisation. I want to suggest a change. I would rather place the need for self esteem at the very base of the hierarchy, even before the basic survival needs of food, water and procreation. Why? Because I firmly believe that unless the self esteem needs of people are met, there's a strong chance they will even come to the poiont where they ignore those basic needs. Take for example a person suffering from one of the eating disorders which affect some young people in the teens. I put it to you that much of the problem stems from the fact that they do not esteem themselves very well at all. What about depression? People suffering this condition often cut back on their interactions with other people. As a result their relationship needs tood to go unfulfilled. They might also become oblivious to the dangers of the situations into which they might put themselves, like walking across a busy roadway without bothering to look either left or right. As a result their safety needs don't get taken into consideration. Again, I suggest that some,not necessarily all, of the underlying causes of depression relate to self esteem issues. In fact, I would go so far as to so self esteem issues that go unfulfilled form the basis of the majority of problems people in our modern western world face in life today. So if your life has not turned out quite the way you had hoped; if the worldly success coming your way leaves you unfulfilled; if you look to the future in dread because you can only look back at the past in horror; if life means endurance rather than enjoyment... there is every likelihood the underlying issue relates to self esteem. Now if you think I have overstepped the mark in this revision of Maslow's ground breaking work, I admit that I work from a different understanding of self esteem than he did. Maslow understood esteem as "strength, achievement, competence, and mastery; confidence in the face of the world, the desire for reputation and prestige...status, fame and glory, dominance, recognition." I came to my own understanding of self esteem by reading the writings of people whose work has continued over the half a century since Maslow's time. In that period, as you might expect, constant work led to a certain amount of refinement and development of Maslow's original work. For me, self esteem relates to your belief that you have the capacity to achieve whatever you consider worthwhile and the sense of being worthy to benefit from the results produced by those efforts. That's what I believe, and that's the way I live. As for you, the choice, as always is yours... Graham Hunt is the founder of Prentis Carpenter Center, an organisation developed to resource an environment where people who so desire can discover and achieve their potential. As part of that vision Graham has developed a website at http://www.higher-self-esteem-site.com Drop by anytime.
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Business Management Ten Benefits of Having a Relationship Coach As a Master Certified Relationship Coach, I work with singles to help them attract a great match and with couples to help put their relationships back on track. I hear great feedback from my clients about the value of coaching. HR Professional in New Avtaar: HR as a Coach and Mentor Introduction Strategic Checklists I've been through a couple of checklists in the past few days, and it's reaffirmed my faith in their effectiveness as a communication tool. New Developments Make Christian Life Coaching ?The? Career Choice for Work-At-Home Professionals I have watched for a couple years now, as my wife's career has really taken off and I must admit, I am impressed. At the age of 55, having had so many life experiences, it just made me sit up and take notice that something huge is happening. In addition to this, I have seen her income quadruple over the past year. Top Ten Tips for Living Authentically 1. Know your purpose Why? I met Sean a year and a half ago in a crowd of 50,000 people. We struck up a conversation and really hit it off. He gave me his number, which I forgot. I thought about tracking him down, but figured if it was meant to be we would meet again. Three weeks later I got a phone call from him, and we have been together ever since, until about a month ago. How to Crack a Daunting Task! If you have a daunting task and the mere thought of it overwhelms you, it's probably too big to implement directly and should be broken down into actionable parts. I find this happens to me frequently -- I see the big strategic goal that I want to achieve, but become paralyzed thinking about the size of the project. To accomplish my overall goal, I need to crack this task into small doable pieces. In that way, I keep it simple and focused on one thing at a time. A Christmas Wish My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She has had few friends and her boyfriends have never been good for her. 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Traditionally, coaches existed primarily in the world of sports, but you could also find voice, acting and singing coaches. Transform Your Office Into A Powerhouse Of Success Did you know that the area that you call your 'office' is a direct reflection of you? If your environment is clean and uncluttered it projects that the person who works there is calm and has everything under control. Consequently if it looks like the local rubbish tip then the impression others get is that this person is disorganised, and a complete mess. Communicating Anger Compassionately Whether it is irritability or unmitigated rage, anger is an emotion everyone knows about. Unfortunately, few people have been taught how to mange this feeling in an assertive and compassionate way. If we resort to raising our voice, yelling, or lashing out when we are angry; that is an aggressive expression of anger. Approximately 70% of people have a tendency to suppress anger. In other words, they bottle it up and lash out later. Bottling up feelings often leads to 'anger attacks'-those bursts of rage that leave you feeling guilty afterwards. You Have The Right The other day I was having a interesting conversation with an acquaintance, but it soon turned out to be surprising and unpleasant. The other person blurted out an unwelcome comment, in a tactful manner by pin pointing a personal issue within the conversation. The Joy of Learning! "Part of what motivates me to write this book is a concern that we've lost touch in education with the sheer joy of what it means to learn something new." -Thomas Armstrong, Author, Awakening Genius in the Classroom The Mid-Life Challenge: Make a Plan to Re-ignite Vocational Passion Nobody will stop you in the hallway at work to ask if your career provides meaning and personal fulfillment. Recognizing that something's missing in your vocational life and taking the initiative to change must come from within. Think Twice Before Youre Nice A few months back I had a disturbing dream. In my dream a woman with stringy blonde hair rang my bell. She asked if she could come in. I did not want to open the door. But I felt guilty about my reaction. So I let her in. She pulled out a hand gun and shot me. I woke with a start and a racing heart. I clutched my pillow and my life. My inner voice spoke immediately and sharply. "Politeness kills," it said. This was an extreme way to let me know I had to honor my boundaries. I've never liked the word "boundaries." It sounds like barbed wire or armored trucks. But I do like the feeling of listening to my intuition, respecting my inner instructions. And it feels appropriate and sacred to be mindful of my gold. I see many creative, incredible individuals who leak their strength and focus with amorphous personal boundaries. We want to be nice, helpful, and well-liked. But bear in mind that your time and attention are your personal reserves of oxygen and hydration. Time and attention create your life's dreams. Dreams keep your soul alive and contribute to all of humanity. I'd like you to create your life's dreams. That's why I'd like you to reflect on where you put your time and attention. You have a Responsibility to Yourself. You have a mission here. You have sacred work to do. No one but you knows what you came for. The people in our lives may not appreciate the work we feel compelled to do, the dreams we wish to give birth to. They may fling casual, loose, social standards your way, just like tossing horseshoes at a backyard barbecue. I used to have a hard time saying no to lunch dates and coffee. People would often say to me, "You have to eat, right?" and I'd feel found out and exposed, like I was hiding time from this person. And then I'd eat with them--and eat my heart out at the same time. Of course they were wonderful people. Of course I got value out of the time together. But that doesn't mean anything. I'd get value out of reading about the history of socks, too. But I had something specific I yearned to do. I wanted to write a book. I ached when I did not write. Every time I said yes to a lunch date, I said no to my dream. That became too wounding. I learned to say "No." It's not selfish to want to give time to your dream. Your dream will give love and energy into this world. I often think about the people I esteem in life. Mother Teresa had a guiding mission. Martin Luther King had a burning cause. They did not squander their energy or time by being polite. They gave in huge ways because they said no to little things. It's not Selfish to be Honest "I don't want to be selfish," said a client of mine recently who admitted not wanting to get together with a friend. "She needs me." Now there are times when someone needs us and we feel called to be there. That's wonderful. When we're called, it feels good to be there. It doesn't feel like an obligation. It feels like a secret mission or a privilege. But more often than not, someone "needs" us and we're afraid to decline. Here's the thing though. You can't change your feelings. When you truly don't want to do something, it's not doing anyone any favors to lie. Your energy doesn't lie. If you do something you don't want to do, you may just end up being late, angry, sarcastic, withdrawn, and, in general, as mild-mannered as a jackal or a jalapeno pepper. That ride to the airport will be no joyride. And nobody will get what they wanted. What if you could trust your feelings? What if you knew that if you honored your own needs, you would naturally increase your generosity? What if it's okay to just love what you love and dislike what you dislike and gravitate where you are drawn? Why do we secretly think we are being ruthless? What if we are being elegant? What if we are daring to live gracefully by daring to listen to our inner voice? What makes you think that your persistent feelings are wrong? I trust that your soul is pure and precious and knows your highest purpose. And I hope you listen to its promptings more than some sick, guilt-inducing nagging, sagging voice that makes you feel burdened inside. One voice will make you feel heavy and one will make you feel light. One is thudding in the wrong direction. And one is turning right. Your Real Relationships will Support the Real You Often times we're afraid to honor our boundaries, because we don't want to upset the people around us. Indeed some people will balk at your limits and may even suggest that your decreased availability is the first sign of Satan worship or advanced Narcissism. But real relationships support the real you. I have no doubt that my friends would prefer to hear from me more often than they do. But they prefer my authenticity and happiness even more. That's why they're true friends. Some individuals who seem to demand the most of us are energy vampires. They feed on your warmth and pay no heed to your needs. They will demand that you be giving. And you will never give enough. Recently while driving to Northern California where I had a speaking engagement, I decided to stop for a quick break. I chose to wander into a small boutique with painted scarves in its windows. When I got into the shop, the owner started telling me about the sales she had going. I nodded politely. She continued to tell me about the rugs she had imported from Turkey and I found myself hanging on every word though I did not want any rugs or details of her trip. Her enthusiasm kept me paralyzed. I only had a few minutes to stop here and look around. Finally, I excused myself and walked away. The owner followed me and kept talking. She refused to give me space. That's when I walked out of the shop. I decided I did not need to indulge someone who was not respecting me. I breathed in the salt air of that gorgeous ocean town and skipped back to my car. I felt like a fly who had escaped a spider's web. *** Always be kind. But think twice before you are "nice." Nice, is often a mask of pleasantness we put over negative feelings. Nice is often a form of self-rejection. Real kindness feels good. It's when we give because we want to give and we give in ways that respect everyone, including us. If you want to give to others, give truly. Give the exceptional gift of taking care of yourself and tending to your dreams. Give the love that can only come from you expressing your unrivaled talents and devotions on this earth. Follow your calling and draw lines when you must. Doing what matters should never be sacrificed for a false idea of manners. THE Step to Working Smarter (Japanese Style) Remember that Coke contest from the 80s? If you collected bottle tops that had the letters to spell T-H-E R-E-A-L T-H-I-N-G, then youd win a zillion dollars. Say Adios to the Fear of Rejection! Do you ever get an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach when you have to approach someone? Good, Good, Good, Good Intentions I always do a lot of thinking about good intentions in December. What Do You Really Want ? Being a coach is such a rewarding profession. The enormous impact you have on other people's lives always astounds me.
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