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Anger: To Control or To Learn
Many of us will do anything to avoid another's anger, yet may be quick to anger ourselves. Many of us dread another's anger yet continue to use our own anger as a way to control others. Let's take a deeper look at what generates our anger and how we can learn from it rather than be at the mercy of it. The feeling anger can come from two different places within us. Anger that comes from an adult, rational place can be called outrage. Outrage is the feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage mobilizes us to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, and the planet. Outrage is a positive emotion in that it moves us to action to stop crime and violence, clean up the environment, and so on. Outrage comes from a principled place within, a place of integrity, caring and compassion. Anger can also come from a fearful adolescent place within from the part of us that fears being wrong, rejected, abandoned, or controlled by others, and feels intensely frustrated in the face of these feelings. This part of us fears failure, embarrassment, humiliation, disrespect, and helplessness over others and outcomes. When these fearful feelings are activated, this adolescent part, not wanting to feel helpless, may move into attacking or blaming anger as a way to attempt to control a person or a situation. Blaming anger is always indicative of some way we are not taking care of ourselves, not taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we blame another for our feelings in an attempt to intimidate another to change so that we will feel safe. Blaming anger creates many problems in relationships. No one likes to be blamed for another's feelings. No one wants to be intimidated into taking responsibility for another's needs. Blaming anger may generate blaming anger or resistance in the other person, which results in a power struggle. Or, the person at the other end of blaming anger may give in, doing what the angry person wants, but there is always a consequence in the relationship. The compliant person may learn to dislike and fear the angry person and find ways to passively resist or to disengage from the relationship. When blaming anger comes up, the healthy option is neither to dump it on another in an attempt to control them, nor to squash and repress it. The healthy option is to learn from it. Our anger at another person or situation has much to teach us regarding personal responsibility for our own feelings and needs. As part of the Inner Bonding process that we teach (see our free course at www.innerbonding.com), we offer a three-part anger process that moves you out of feeling like a frustrated victim and into a sense of personal power. The Anger Process The Anger Process is a powerful way to release anger, as well as to learn from the source of the anger. Releasing your anger will work only when your intent in releasing it is to learn about what you are doing that is causing your angry feelings. If you just want to use your anger to blame, control and justify your position, you will stay stuck in your anger. This three-part anger process moves you out of the victim-mode and into open-heartedness. 1. Imagine that the person you are angry at is sitting in front of you. Let your angry wounded child or adolescent self yell at him or her, saying in detail everything you wish you could actually say. Unleash your anger, pain and resentment until you have nothing more to say. You can scream and cry, pound a pillow, roll up a towel and beat the bed. (The reason you don't tell the person directly is because this kind of cathartic, no-holds-barred "anger dump" would be abusive to them.) 2. Now ask yourself who this person reminds you of in your past - your mother or father, a grandparent, a sibling? (It may be the same person. That is, you may be mad at your father now, and he is acting just like he did when you were little.) Now let your wounded self yell at the person from the past as thoroughly and energetically as in part one. 3. Finally, come back into the present and let your angry wounded self do the same thing with you expressing your anger, pain and resentment toward your adult self for your part in the situation or for treating yourself the way the people in parts one and two treated you. This brings the problem home to personal responsibility, opening the door to exploring your own behavior. By doing the anger process instead of trying to control others with your anger, you de-escalate your frustration while learning about the real issue how you are not taking care of yourself in the face of whatever another is doing or in the face of a difficult situation. Whenever anger comes up, you always have the choice to control or to learn. About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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Business Management Nothing is left to Chance You are going to meet a very important client for lunch. What do you do? If you are anything like Anna the first job is to ensure the outside you is perfect, well dressed, matching clothes, clean shoes, washed in your favourite soaps, perfume. Check yourself many, many times in the mirror, Ask your partner (numerous times)," Do I look right"? "Is everything OK"? Basically, nothing is left to chance. The inside you has been studying the information you feel is important. You feel on top of your subject but slightly nervous. You pull out all the stops to ensure that the person you are meeting will get full benefit of your total attention, love and generosity. Again, nothing is left to chance. What I Would Include In A Coaching Book A coach is an essential figure in providing direction and leadership to his/her team. In sports, coaches are sometimes evaluated on the number of wins they can produce. In a business setting, coaches are evaluated on how efficient they are in providing a healthy work environment for employees. Two Leadership Strategies: Don't Lose Your Mind & Be a Coach Are you feeling overwhelmed, a lack of confidence or under a ton of pressure? Are you trying too hard to make something work and focusing too much on trying to fulfill other people's needs and expectations? You may have "lost your mind!" The Need to Feel Special From the time Jennifer was a little child, she was demanding of attention, especially from her mother, Sarah. With two older brothers, Jennifer had a "special" place in the family as the baby and the only girl. She made sure to establish a "special" relationship with her mother, who relished the connection since she did not have much of a relationship with her emotionally distant husband. 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Likewise, by educating ourselves in the arena of "what we don't know," this knowledge then becomes part of what we now do know. As an example, if you are computer illiterate and you apply yourself to learn how to adeptly operate a computer, you will have successfully taken something that you do not know and converted it into what you now know. More than 95% of our efforts are spent in these two arenas what we know and what we don't know. Purpose Many people go through much of their lives without really thinking about their purpose. I don't mean a lofty, philosophic, and often unrealistic purpose that has us striving to save the world or solve the challenge of poverty throughout the world (although these are both admirable for those whose true purpose is to do so). What I am talking about is the individual and unique purpose that drives and grounds us. The one thing that gives meaning to our lives and motivates us to achieve our potential. How to Make $100,000 as a Personal Trainer In the movie, "The Gladiator," Emperor Commodus' rose to power early on because he realized what was most important to the people of Rome. Most would believe influence would be gained by the accumulation of wealth and fame. In Rome it was neither. The greatness of Rome was found in the "sands of the coliseum." Rome was built on the idea of being great. And everyday that was shown in the battles in the arena. How to Kill Fear When Dealing with Aggressive People The book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers is regarded as a self help classic. Have you read it? Say Adios to the Fear of Rejection! Do you ever get an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach when you have to approach someone? Where to Begin? January is the king of months for those looking to make new beginnings. After the reflections and indulgences of December, the excitement of a new year unfolding brings contemplation of better days ahead. What is Life Coaching? An recent article in Money Magazine said that "A coach may be the guardian angel you need to rev up your career." In fact, if you pick up any major newspaper or magazine, you are bound to come across a glowing article on coaching. It is one of the fastest growing careers, with an estimated 20,000 coaches in the United States. Because coaching is a relatively new profession, there are many people calling themselves "coaches"---unfortunately not all of whom are fully qualified. You should know that there is no required professional certification process, although it is coming in the near future. Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility Emotional dependency means getting one's good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing? Life Coach, Counsellor, or Therapist; - How do I choose? Life coaching has become fashionable in recent years and there seems to be a big demand for what they offer. Counselling and many forms of therapy are also on offer, these may have been around for many years and have advantages to offer clients. Yet how do you choose which one to go for? It's All To Do With The Way You Wake Up Do you start your day with anger, frustration and annoyance at the alarm and the need to get up? Do you wake up hoping the day will go away and you can get back to sleep? Have you lost the fun? The confidence to have a go at things. Are you struggling along? Are you just going through the rituals of life? Are you just doing enough at work? Doing what is necessary because you think you 'ought, should, must do this for the sake of others? Do you feel all washed up and no one is interested in you? Do you feel devoid of vibrancy, and sense of purpose, an aimless victim buffeted by the winds of change? It's all to do with the way you wake up. Sorry Dr Maslow, I Think You Got It Wrong In the 1950s Abraham Maslow published a book entitled " Motivation and Personality" in which he outlided his now famous Hierarchy of Needs. Over the years since its publication Maslow's work has gained wide acceptance as a tool in understanding human motivation. It has been used in areas as diverse as Consumer Marketing and Christian Evangelism,as well, of course, psychology. Maslow rightly holds a place of high regard in many circles. Theres Always Enough Time! I thought I'd begin this article by stimulating your mind with a little time trivia contest! Are you ready? Alright then, here goes.. Body Language Speaks Louder Than Words Has it ever occurred to you how much you are saying to people even when you are not speaking? Unless you are a master of disguise, you are constantly sending messages about your true thoughts and feelings whether you are using words or not. A Live It Real change happens only when it becomes part of our everyday life. When a change becomes a habit, it isn't something new we are trying, but becomes part of what we do as our routine. I was reading a Wynona Judd interview and they asked her about her diet. She replied that she wasn't on a diet; she was on "A Live It." I thought this was great because the risk of a diet or any change is that we won't stick to it. We won't live it. We will simply do it until we get the results we want, or get discouraged, and revert to our old habits. A live it is not something that we are going to do for a short while, but something we will do for a lifetime. Dont Be Jealous - Be Inspired When we see people do things we cannot do, or have things we don't have, it might be tempting to be a little jealous. But, jealousy doesn't lead to anything except resentment, and that isn't going to help you. Instead of being jealous of others, focus on being inspired. Let the success of others move you forward toward your own success. After all, people who are doing things you want to do or have things you want are examples of what is possible for you. Coaching Can Help Teachers At A Crossroads In Their Careers Teachers enter the profession with the desire to help others, but after years in the field it can lose its luster. If it's no longer offering satisfaction the way it once did find out how you can get the joy back.
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