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The Difference Between Approval and Appreciation
Having worked with individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, helping them learn to resolve conflict, I have often been faced with the difficulties that occur when people are confused about the difference between approval with appreciation. Have you ever wondered about the difference between approval and appreciation? Most of us have never actually thought about it, yet if we do think about it, we realize that we feel very differently when we receive approval as opposed to receiving appreciation. There are good reasons for this. Approval is something we give from a wounded, controlling part of us. Approval is conditional upon the other person performing in the way we want or expect. Approval is manipulative - that is, we give it with an outcome in mind. We hope that the other person will continue to do what we want as a result of the approval. Appreciation, on the other hand, is something we offer from a whole loving place within - what I call the loving Adult. It comes from the heart and is offered spontaneously as the heart wells up with feelings of delight, awe, joy, or love regarding another's way of being. Appreciation has much more to do with the essence of a person rather than with performance. We are appreciating a person's core Self, who they really are and the results of who they are, rather than what they do and their performance. With appreciation, there is no attachment to the outcome, no expectation that the other should or will continue to perform. Appreciation is a true gift. Often, when someone says they want appreciation or do not feel appreciated, what they are really seeking is approval. It is the wounded part of them who is not feeling seen and appreciated within - they are not seeing and appreciating themselves so they need it from others to feel worthy. The wounded self of the individual projects outward the inner need to be seen, understood and appreciated and pulls from others to get this need met. Whenever I hear someone say that they do not feel appreciated, I know that their essence - their Inner Child - is not being seen and loved by their own inner adult. When we are giving ourselves the attention and appreciation that we need and we then receive appreciation from others, it feels wonderful but it is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. When it becomes the cake itself, then we need to look within and recognize that we have handed over to others the job of defining and validating our own worth and lovability. When you share something about yourself with the intent of getting approval, attention or appreciation, it doesn't feel like sharing to other people. Instead they feel pulled at to validate you. When you share something about yourself with the intent of offering something to others, it feels like a gift. This is clearly illustrated in the wonderful movie, Good Will Hunting. In this movie the therapist, played by Robin Williams, shares much personal information about himself with his client Will, an angry and resistant young man. He shared it, not because he wanted or needed anything back, but purely to help Will feel safe in opening to his own pain. We can all challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when we offer positive feedback to others - is it a true gift or does it have strings attached? And we can challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when we share things about ourselves - are we giving or trying to get? Giving to get doesn't feel good to others who are at the other end of the pull, and getting what we want from others feels good only for the moment, but is ultimately tiring for us. It is tiring to always be trying to get from others what we need to be giving to ourselves. Giving appreciation and sharing ourselves from a loving heart, with no need to get anything back, will always feel wonderful and energizing to us and to others. About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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Business Management Why a Coach is NOT a Consultant Often while talking to people about my coaching practice I get asked what the difference is between a coach and a consultant. Many people believe they are either the same thing or very similar. This is untrue. There are many distinct differences between someone who coaches and someone who consults. Do You Want to Impress Others? Then Don't Talk ?Listen Recently my friend Michelle was concerned about a professional conference she was planning to attend with her husband, a veterinarian. She has no background in veterinary science, so she did not think she would be able to effectively communicate with the people at the conference. I asked her why she thought she had to use technical jargon when she spoke to the other conference attendees. She responded that she wanted them to think well of her. Michelle is a warm, caring individual who is genuinely interested in others. I assured her that she could effectively relate to the people she met by asking them questions about themselves and their businesses instead of trying to impress them with her knowledge of veterinary science. Going On a Mental Diet Diets are always in style. Every time you turn around, someone is coming out with a new and improved diet. The latest craves are the Atkins Diet, the South Beach Diet, and Dr. Phil even has a diet he's promoting. Everyone is on a diet. Control, Helplessness, and Love During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners, I have discovered that an important purpose of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid the feeling of helplessness. One of the hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over others' feelings and behavior. We do not want to know that we are helpless over whether another chooses to be loving and accepting toward us or judgmental and rejecting toward us. How Coaches Find Clients Online At a recent networking meeting Jana asked for a recommendation for a public speaking coach. She was starting to speak in front of audiences, and wanted to polish her presentation skills a bit. Before anyone else got a chance to reply, Elise jumped in to recommend her coach, Kelly. "I have been working with Kelly for two months, and I have already seen results from working with her. I am much more confident during my presentations, and I see that my audience is more engaged and more responsive. She is great; I will e-mail you her contact information later today." Reduce Anxiety About Decison Making What's the alternative to making decisions? Tame The Financial Beast Are holiday bills surprising you? Are you hoping that if you ignore your finances long enough, maybe they will fix themselves? Coaching for Results He's a very successful sales manger who craves results. He can't be bothered with people who don't produce. They are losers. He always produces the numbers year after year. The question is does he do it through bullying or coaching? It's All To Do With The Way You Wake Up Do you start your day with anger, frustration and annoyance at the alarm and the need to get up? Do you wake up hoping the day will go away and you can get back to sleep? Have you lost the fun? The confidence to have a go at things. Are you struggling along? Are you just going through the rituals of life? Are you just doing enough at work? Doing what is necessary because you think you 'ought, should, must do this for the sake of others? Do you feel all washed up and no one is interested in you? Do you feel devoid of vibrancy, and sense of purpose, an aimless victim buffeted by the winds of change? It's all to do with the way you wake up. THE Step to Working Smarter (Japanese Style) Remember that Coke contest from the 80s? If you collected bottle tops that had the letters to spell T-H-E R-E-A-L T-H-I-N-G, then youd win a zillion dollars. Make Progress Now: Take the Hand Brakes Off Your Life! Do you find yourself striving upward in life yet making little or no progress? Empowering Vision Playing Our Part: Just Listen, Please! When did you last do that? When did you last listen to yourself? Is there a small voice inside you calling out "Just listen to me" Just listen. Please". "All I want is for you to listen to me". " I am tired and fed up of continuing doing. Just stop for a moment and just listen. Please". How Do You Build Momentum in Your Business and Life? A few weeks ago at a "Leadership from the Ground Up" conference, Donald Trump spoke about the ingredients for success. I found his topic on momentum very intriguing. My thoughts have been returning to his presentation in my mind ever since. Live With An Attitude Of Gratitude Imagine for a moment one of those nights when you just can't fall asleep and you have to get up early the next morning for a very important meeting of which you are the keynote speaker. Your alarm clock goes off early in the morning waking you from what little sleep you had. You stumble out of bed, have a quick shower, grab a coffee and some toast, and off you go to fight the traffic on the way to work. Can I Be My Own ADD Coach? Quite often I am in contact with people who discuss acting as an ADD Coach for their child or spouse. While supporting and helping loved ones with ADD is a great idea, acting as an ADD Coach really isn't a great idea. There is just way too much emotion involved and an ADD Coach needs to be far enough removed from the situation to be an effective ADD Coach. A Perrverse Confidante Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 15, 2002 Attitude is Contagious - Would Anybody Want Yours? Are you using the Life Potential you have been given? Or are you just existing? One BIG Way To Increase Your Values and Self-Esteem One hour here, two hours there, even fifteen minutes, it all adds up, and quickly too. Television is toxic to our self- esteem. In fact, 90% of television programs are a depressant. That leaves only 10% as a stimulant. With such a high percentage of negativity fueling the majority of this country television must play into the fact that anti- depressant consumption is doubling by the year. So, if you are wondering why you have low self-esteem, think about your television habits. Learning To Recognize Your Ego What is an ego?
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