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Fear of Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness. Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy? It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another. Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself. Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other's fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether. Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy? The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn't know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment. When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it. When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear. The Inner Bonding process we teach is a process designed to create a powerful inner adult self capable of not taking rejection personally and of setting limits against loss of self. Anyone can learn this six-step process and, with practice, heal fears of intimacy. Through practicing the Inner Bonding process, you learn to value and cherish who you really are and take full responsibility for your own feelings of worth, lovability, safety, security, pain and joy. When you deeply value yourself, you do not take rejection personally and become non-reactive to rejection. When you value yourself, you will not give yourself up to try to control another's feelings about you. When you value yourself, you are willing to lose another rather than lose yourself. You can start to learn the powerful Inner Bonding process now by downloading our Free Inner Bonding Course. Moving beyond your fears of intimacy will open you to the deep personal and spiritual growth that relationships can provide and the profound fulfillment and joy that loving relationships can offer. About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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This disapproving inner critic (that little voice inside our head that points our faults and undermines our achievements) needs to be silenced. Instead of focusing on what you don't like about yourself, do your best to acknowledge and appreciate what makes you unique. Your smile. Your sense of humor. Your eyes. Now go further. What qualities define you as a person? Resist the temptation to criticize yourself. This is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned with intentional action. 2. Surround Yourself with Positive Environments In order to remain confident or regain confidence, you have to ensure that you surround yourself with positive environments emotionally and physically. This means cultivating friendships that enrich your life. A well-meaning friend that consistently points out your faults may be undermining your sense of self. Seek out people who care about you and can list all your lovely qualities instead. 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Throw a No-Heat Party for the Planet Is it really possible to have loads of fun, and help the planet at the same time? Success at Work : People Skills : Complaining Do you know an individual at work who is a chronic complainer? Are YOU a chronic complainer? People don't like complainers. Listening to a chronic complainer gets people depressed. They prefer to associate with people that make them feel good. If you are always complaining about something, people will start to ignore you. Eureka! I've Found It! OK, so it wasn't quite that big of a deal. But I did find the "T" that mysteriously escaped from the word "not" in one of my articles a few months ago. Yep, I found it all right. Right at the end of what was intended to be the word "though". Of course, that misplacement resulted in a stupid sentence completely void of logic unless by chance you missed the "t" and read the sentence the way I intended instead of the way I wrote it. Why Things Are The Way They Are Things are the way you think they are, because you think they are that way. An interesting statement I know, but let's break it down a bit if you will, and see what this Really means. A World of Possibility When I started my sales career over 25 years ago, I worked for a small company selling telephone answering equipment. Hard to believe it but in those days I had to explain to prospects what the equipment was for and why they might want to use it. What is the Success Lesson in this Story? One of my clients gave me permission to tell you his story. We Are Exactly Where We Choose to Be The idea for this month's newsletter came from an unlikely encounter: I recently had lunch with a new friend named Rick Rockwell. You may remember him as the bachelor from the first-ever reality TV show, "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?" 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