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Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility
Emotional dependency means getting one's good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing? There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:
When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one's emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no idea that this is their responsibility, nor do they have any idea how to take this responsibility. What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent? Primarily, it means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility. For example, let's say someone you care about gets angry at you. If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other's anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in response to the other's anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better. However, if you are emotionally responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person's anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other's anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally responsible person does not take others' behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others' feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours. The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, "I don't like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?" If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, "I'm unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I'm going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change the other person. Once out of range, the emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace. Rather than being a victim of the other's behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful. When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility. About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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Business Management The Tolerance Effect While working with a client several months ago, we went through a process of identifying areas of personal strengths and weaknesses. Through this exercise, we discussed various characteristics and ended up deciding that there was opportunity for improvement in her level of "tolerance". A funny thing happened after that. When she found herself in a situation that had previously triggered a negative reaction be it disappointment, irritation, frustration, anger or even animosity (usually focused on the person in the car ahead of her who did not use their turn signal), the word "tolerance" would flash in her head and she could immediately change the way she reacted to the situation. 5 Keys to Powerful Communication As a coach that specializes in marriage, couples and family coaching, it is critical to develop strong and clear keys for communication. How many times have you been faced with a difficult feeling or occurrence that you are reluctant to discuss with your partner? You probably thought, "If I just don't say anything, I can get past it"? Executive Coaching The higher you climb the ladder in this organization, the less chance you have of getting feedback about your performance. The working rule of thumb is "the farther up you go, the stranger things get," especially in the way you are reviewed and rewarded. We seem to have time for everything else, but not time to give our top people the kind of reviews they need to help them develop. -Executive level controller Why We Need Executive Coaching Essence of Awakeness Be conscious, aware, and alert. Pay attention. Remember when you were in elementary school and the teacher used to say pay attention now, this is important? Well, this is important. Wake up! What does it take to wake up an adult? Many people go through life on automatic, doing life as it comes along. What kind of things occurs that is considered a wake up call? The death of a loved one, a miracle, a near death experience, the birth of a child, a divorce, a marriage, a spiritual experience, a great accomplishment, a serious illness, an award, losing a job, winning the lottery, which of these would wake you up? Getting What You Need: Ask For Help! "Fortune befriends the bold." - John Dryden Moment of Magic Laughter may or may not be a shock, relieved, but its' therapeutic effects are recognised in most cultures. It allows a positive distractive moment or moments. When things are tough, rough, overbearing or endless, a quick laugh can help to transcend an obsessive reality. How to Kill Fear When Dealing with Aggressive People The book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers is regarded as a self help classic. Have you read it? The Right Time and Place (Channelled) Friends? I met my friend when we were in graduate school, and we enjoyed hanging out together outside of classes. After receiving our degrees, we both left school to live in different states. That was 10 years ago. The Best Things in Life Are Rarely Things Have you ever noticed this to be true? The Pitfalls of Procrastination We all put off making decisions and taking action sometimes (yes, me too). It's okay to do that occasionally but if you are a regular pontificator then it will constantly cause you pain, even if you aren't aware of it. By putting things off on a regular basis you hold yourself back and instead of progressing in your life, you'll regress. Are You Invisible? Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others' feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, did not really exist, other than to be there for others. Searching For Your Calling Quest or Curse? Judging by the extraordinarily positive reader response to Po Bronson's What Should I Do With My Life?, people are aching for a sympathetic outlook on their stories of career dissatisfaction. They tend to be their own harshest critics, often riddled with self-doubt and embarrassment about not getting this "career thing" right. Maintaining a constructive attitude is challenging. In spite of contrary statistics - such as, the average American changes jobs eight times over the course of his/her lifetime - we still tend to harbor the expectation that we "should" decide by our late 20's/early 30's what we want to do and follow that thread for the remainder of our working lives. As T. puts it, "My search for work I'm passionate about is regarded by my friends like a child's drawing that's put up on the refrigerator?isn't that cute!" A Call To Do Better I'm calling you out. Issuing a Challenge. Relax, It's not to a dual or anything quite that complicated or dramatic. The Role of Grief Group Facilitators Technically, there are two types of grief groups. Informational and support groups are for individuals who have an interest in the grief process. The purpose of these groups is to promote grief education and awareness. It covers the grief process in a more academic fashion. Pecked to Death By Ducks Ever been in a situation where it seems like minor criticisms are all you hear? Sure, there are things you could improve, you know that . . . but a constant peck, peck, peck of negative feedback sure doesn't motivate you to change! One of my mentors called this gradual chipping away at one's self esteem, "being pecked to death by ducks." How to deal with it? There are ducks outside my window as I write . . . and I know that one sure way to make them go away, is to stop feeding them. Ducks need to eat a lot, and eat often, to keep going. If they can't get food from you, they'll try someplace else. So . . . how can you make this work for your brand of "ducks"? What about figuring out what there is about you that's FEEDING them? For example, are you reacting to their pecks? (Psychologists tell us that some people use a negative approach to get the attention they crave.) Are you working harder in response to their criticism? (When you do this, you are exhausting yourself and adding chocolate sauce to their dessert! The pecking won't end, I guarantee it.) I believe we feed our ducks when we take words of criticism home and brood. Most of us are programmed to take criticism much more seriously than we do praise, and many of us make almost a career out of taking criticism home to chew over . . . and over . . . and again. When Duck A criticizes me for DOING x, I have a choice. Take it home and make it last . . . or look the criticism in the face. If it's fair and valid, I may decide to stop x-ing (it's my choice). In fact, Duck A may have done me a good turn -- and one way to keep this in mind is to say (over and over if necessary), "It's about what I DO, it's not who I BE." A WORD ABOUT SYSTEMIC DUCK FEEDERS: Some organizations and groups encourage anonymous feedback, in the mistaken belief that this provides a safe environment for honest communication. WRONG! Anonymous feedback promotes dysfunctional systems . . . and dysfunctional systems are essentially "duck food silos." (I put a spin on an old mantra, "If you can't say it to his/her face, don't say it at all." Of course, sometimes we need help -- a mentor, an advocate, a companion, a safe structure. But whatever it takes, in healthy systems, constructive, behavior-focused criticism comes with a name attached, and if at all possible, is given face-to- face.) Finally: HOW NOT TO BE A DUCK: Before YOU criticize, think clearly. Figure out what is really bugging you. And then speak directly to the person with whom you have a problem. Use 'I' statements (a skill unknown to ducks, as far as I know). Rehearse ahead of time to be sure you are focused on behavior (Do-ing), not Be-ing. A good rule is to ask yourself, "How would this sound if she (or he) were talking to ME?" © Maureen Killoran, 2005 Parts that Make the Whole? or Not There are many parts that make up you. Success at Work : People Skills : Complaining Do you know an individual at work who is a chronic complainer? Are YOU a chronic complainer? People don't like complainers. Listening to a chronic complainer gets people depressed. They prefer to associate with people that make them feel good. If you are always complaining about something, people will start to ignore you. Live With An Attitude Of Gratitude Imagine for a moment one of those nights when you just can't fall asleep and you have to get up early the next morning for a very important meeting of which you are the keynote speaker. Your alarm clock goes off early in the morning waking you from what little sleep you had. You stumble out of bed, have a quick shower, grab a coffee and some toast, and off you go to fight the traffic on the way to work. Coaching for Physicians Is Having a Professional Coach a Solution to Optimizing your Practice's Performance?
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Comment by Robert Schaeffer
